The blank usually comes from the wrong goal. You are trying to be interesting, which has no obvious first move, instead of being specific, which does.
Specific is easier than interesting and it works better, because a specific message can only have been written to one person. That is the whole signal you are trying to send.
Read before you write
Open their profile and find one of these three things.
- A choice they made. A book on a shelf, a city they moved to, an instrument, a job that is unusual.
- A claim you can ask about. "Best cook you know" or "will argue about films" is an invitation with a question already inside it.
- A gap. Three photos in the mountains and a job in finance. That contrast is a real question.
If you find nothing, that is information too. A profile with no hooks usually produces a conversation with no hooks. It is fine to let it go.
The shape
Two sentences. One notices something. One asks about it, in a way that cannot be answered with yes.
That is it. No opener, no greeting required, no joke you workshopped for ten minutes. If you write more than three sentences, you have moved from interested to intense, and they have not agreed to that yet.
Five replies
Hey! How's your week going?
You have a bread photo and a sourdough starter with a name. How long have you been going, and does the starter have opinions?
You seem cool, we should chat
Deep sea photos and a job in accounting is a combination. Which one came first?
Nice pics
The Lisbon photo is doing a lot of work in this profile. Were you living there or just visiting?
Hi, how are you?
Your profile says you will argue about films. I would like to test this. What is the film you defend that nobody agrees with you about?
What are you looking for on here?
You have played five instruments in these photos. Is there one you are actually good at, or is it five equal levels of mediocre?
Every one of these does the same job. It proves you read the profile, and it gives them something easy to answer.
What to skip
- Negging. Small insults dressed as jokes. It works on nobody who is worth talking to, and it tells the reader exactly what dating you would be like.
- The copy paste. People compare notes with friends, and a line that has clearly been used before is worse than no message.
- Love bombing. Heavy compliments in the first exchange are pressure, not warmth. It asks them to reciprocate at a level they do not feel yet.
- The interview. Six questions in a row with no self disclosure turns the conversation into work.
- Comments about their body. Even positive ones. Not in the first message, not in the fifth.
When you have already replied and it stalled
Two dead exchanges usually means the conversation has no subject. Do not send a third "how was your weekend". Change the subject entirely, once, and be honest that you are doing it.
I think we have run this weather conversation into the ground. Different question: what is the best thing you have eaten in this city?
If that does not land, let it go without a farewell speech. Not every match is a conversation, and that is not a rejection of you.
Moving to a plan
The most common mistake is waiting too long. Somewhere between the fifth and the fifteenth message, the conversation either becomes a plan or becomes a pen pal arrangement.
Ask in a way that is easy to decline. A specific option, a real day, and no pressure attached.
I am enjoying this. Would you want to get a drink next week? I am free Wednesday or Thursday evening. No pressure at all if you would rather keep chatting first.
The last sentence is not a weakness. It removes the cost of saying no, which is exactly what makes a yes mean something.
If they say no or go quiet, that is the end of it. One follow up is fine. Two is not, and this is the point where a lot of otherwise decent people become someone the other person tells a story about.
If getting the words out is the part you get stuck on, Protexter is a keyboard that will rewrite your draft into something warmer or shorter without leaving the app you are in.
Before you send
- Does this message reference something specific to them?
- Can it be answered with something other than yes or no?
- Is it three sentences or fewer?
- Have I said anything about their body?
- Would I be fine if a friend of theirs read it?
- If I am asking to meet, is it easy for them to say no?
Specific, short, and easy to answer. That is the whole method, and it works because it is not a method. It is just paying attention.